The Generation of Men with No Butts

Okay, so sometimes you sit down during worship cause your foot really hurts and your really do intend to sit there and worship the Lord, but then all of a sudden you hear the little whispers of children and you look up to give someone a stern gaze. At this point my pattern of thought changes and well after that I am lost because my brain goes at super speed. As I look up I can't see anyone talking, but what I do see are about 8 teen boys in front of me, and I am suddenly struck by their lack of butts... Ok this might sound bad but this is just how my brain works, mind you I wasn't trying to think of teen boys butts, or lack there of in this case, but you know when you are praying and all of a sudden you are making a grocery list in your head, or thinking man I am hungry... Woops sorry God where was I. Yeah so that is how my mind was last night, as I sat there, I thought oh gosh, wow these guys really have no butts! Their backs just keep on going until they reach the legs, their pants are so skinny it is not as if I would be missing they're butts if they did actually have them. I look around slowly at the other kids and realize, wow the girls all have butts, except maybe that one there, but then that other one is her sister and she has a butt how is that possible? My brain is at this point off on a butt tangent, and I begin to think about if this is cause by sitting their entire lives, as is the way of most Americans these days, but then why are couch potato's always portrayed as big and fat... that doesn't measure up, I mean these kids must be skin and bones under those skinny jeans, I mean what do they think when they take off their pants, do they think they have butts? Do they look like prison camp victims? Wait why am I thinking about them taking off their pants, and prison camp victims...? Oh yeah Worship Janna, focus! hmm maybe this is a new generation we are breeding of buttless men.
Well that didn't work I failed to focus.

Living somewhere else

Lately I haven't lived in my own reality. I have been trying to right several books for... I don't know years now. Sometimes when things get bad I get creative, for some reason I suddenly have a muse and the desire to write again. So for a while now I have been living somewhere else, in the reality of my fantasies, writing down the lives of characters who live only in my head. Their lives are better then mine, they are happier, they have adventures, and the abilities to do things that I wish I did. But I can only write, and dream and escape to the places that exist nowhere...

I absolutely adore this website and this particular set of chilren's clothing is just delishious

So This is Christmas

Ok so I never published this back when I should, have my pride sometimes stops me from doing the things I should and sharing things that I think people will judge me for, but then I looked back and this was honest and I thought I should share it.

I have never felt this way before. I am a big Christmas sucker, I come by it honestly as my mother is possibly the biggest Christmas Sucker in the entire universe (besides Buddy the Elf) and she taught me all of her Christmas wonderment ways. This year, however lyrics like Paul McCartney's so this is Christmas, and Relient K's Always Winter resound in my ears. I have little to no Christmas Spirit, and this fact in and of itself (let alone the causes of it) is enough to make me sick to my stomache. I know that Christmas isn't about Santa, and trees, and snow, it is about something very much bigger that came in a very little package, yet even that I do not feel. I feel as it is almost a waste of time, and what the heck am I doing tucked away in my warm home with a feast of Christmas foods and gifts, when babies are starving, and so many are dying or in pain. Is that Christmas, forgetting about the pain, and the suffering for a day of presents and stuffing your face?

I recently went looking for a Christmas film to play in church on Christmas Eve, and my own ideas of Christmas sickened my, because it was one film in particular that made tears run down my cheek, of the lonely and starving and cold, and I thought to myself; No, no one wants to be crying on Christmas Eve, it is supposed to be peaceful and magical, and happy, but why? Because of the magic that happened that night? But what about all of the nights after that, what is Christmas Spirit andyway? Is it just that night?

I am trying to get in this Christmas Spirit that I so used to love and jump for joy with happiness and comfort and joy and all that, I am listening to music about small birds in fruit trees, and angels, and babies that don't cry (which lets face it is really unrealistic) and still I feel nothing, except this deep feeling of being a hypocrit, and I am putting off anything to do with Chirstmas; shopping, wrapping, baking, even preparing for Christmas Eve (which is kind of important as I am in charge of a bunch of stuff) but I just don't know what to do. Everything feels so empty, and pointless. I am angry, and that fact is that I am most likely going to delete this and never let you all read it, because it is Christmas, and I don't want to share my pain with you, I want you all to feel love and happiness and peace and joy and all of that because that is my way of loving you.

Things always look different in the Morning

Ok sorry people, I had a really bad night physical pain wise, and I got emotional cause someone did something stupid that hurt my feelings. Laura and I have this saying about how I am always so different at night, or something about the dark and the light, well it is true; it is morning now and things feel different, even somewhat silly and stupid. Even though my feelings were hurt, and that is valid as Ali has told me, it was all escalated by pain and exhaustion, and anyway it is morning now (or early afternoon as the case may be) and I am ok.

You know sometimes your heart breaks and you are hurt by something you might not even think is such a big deal when you look back on it. But people don't think. They don't think about how their words and actions can hurt someone. They make a joke or say something without thinking and it hurts. Maybe if I weren't in so much pain already, if it hadn't been a bad day, or if one simple thing had gone differently it wouldn't hurt so badly. Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here with tears running down my cheeks thinking about how much I wanted my best friend to be awake right now so she could say things to me that would make the tears stop and make me feel less alone. It might not seem like anything to some people but when is enough to much? The little things built up tonight, and one to many people made a few harmless remarks. So now my head is pounding and it's three in the morning and I can't sleep because my heart hurts, because other parts of the body hurt me without even thinking about what their words would do. Why do we do that? Why are we so Freaking Human sometimes and not so Freaking Christian?! I feel like and idiot, because I don't cry in front of people and I try not to let things hurt me and here I am crying in front of all of you, because I let people in and they hurt me. I am sorry if this post isn't uplifting or sounds like a bunch of whinning to you, but talking and writing help me to feel better and right now I am hurt so I wanted to tell you. Thats all now maybe I can sleep

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