Searching for Who I am

I know where I came from, I know who my parents are, and they're parents, and even they're parents before them, but still there are so many mysteries, and now the only grandparent that I have left to tell me the stories has dementia; so she is essentially gone too.

When I was a child I knew exactly what and who I wanted to be, not who I was, but who I wanted to be, then it changed...everything changed. I became lost. I had no path, I still have no path, no line of sight in which I can walk knowingly secure in the knowledge that it leads somewhere. I don't know where I am going and I don't know who I am. I feel lost.

I have always been fascinated with history and genealogy and some say that I can even tell a story about something that happened long before I was born, just as if I had loved through it myself. So I began to search for who I am in the past. Where did I come from, who is my family, why is so much information missing, who are the people long lost in pictures that there is no longer anyone to tell me who they are. Everyone deserves to be remembered, but they are lost, and so besides the fact that the same blood runs through my veins that ran through theirs, I feel a kindredness with them. Who are they? Why were they forgotten? They were part of my family, how did they become lost? I search for these answers as I dig through the past, and as I search I try to find myself.

Who A I?

The cat and the tissue box

So Henry David Thoreau once said, "Write while the heat is in you" and while I realize that I just wrote something on her about five minutes ago, perhaps less at this point; I don't really care because the heat is in me and I feel like saying so many things.

About a week ago, my sisters, my mother, and I were sitting around the living room having a rousing discussion about God, and how sometimes (well lets be honest, it's really most of the time) God doesn't really give us what we want, or he does in a roundabout way, or he gives you something different but better for you, because he is God and he knows all, so while you might feel that you are suffering he is actually saving you from further suffering. I am actually surprised that I caught that much, because at that point, my poor (evil) old (should be dead by now) somewhat ailing cat began to lick open a wound she had that I am sure itched which was why she was scratching it. In response and in an attempt to stop her from further injuring herself, I launched a tissue box across the room in the direction of the cat. I didn't mean to hit her really I didn't; I mean sure she pees on every surface, and has ruined countless pieces of furniture, but she is still my cat and I do not condone inflicting pain upon animals. Well I guess you can see where this is going... I hit the cat in the head. She looked up utterly stunned and stopped licking herself, while a chorus of angry cries assailed my ears, mixed with a slight giggle from one of my sisters. Hey Janna! What the heck! Why did you hit her (giggle giggle)? I immediately went on the defensive. WHOA WHOA I didn't mean to hit her, I just meant to scare her so she would stop hurting herself. Instead I inflicted a little pain to stop her from causing herself a lot more pain later on.

As soon as my statement was out, and AH HA! escaped my sisters lips as she turned to declare that my statement which wasn't meant to be, was brilliant! That is like God she said. You might think you are in pain now, but maybe God is just allowing a little pain in order to stop you from causing yourself more pain in the long run.

This might not seem like a huge big deal, but lately when my foot hurts, or my head aches so bad I want to drill holes in it to relieve the pressure, or when my back hurts I can't stand and sitting hurts and lying down doesn't help either, I think about that statement, and think what are you doing God? Then I think about when Heidi Baker asked that same question, and God said to her, "just wait...I'm doing something!" So okay God, I guess I can try to endure the tissue box being thrown at my head, just as long as the next thing that you throw isn't heavier.

The Generation of Men with No Butts

Okay, so sometimes you sit down during worship cause your foot really hurts and your really do intend to sit there and worship the Lord, but then all of a sudden you hear the little whispers of children and you look up to give someone a stern gaze. At this point my pattern of thought changes and well after that I am lost because my brain goes at super speed. As I look up I can't see anyone talking, but what I do see are about 8 teen boys in front of me, and I am suddenly struck by their lack of butts... Ok this might sound bad but this is just how my brain works, mind you I wasn't trying to think of teen boys butts, or lack there of in this case, but you know when you are praying and all of a sudden you are making a grocery list in your head, or thinking man I am hungry... Woops sorry God where was I. Yeah so that is how my mind was last night, as I sat there, I thought oh gosh, wow these guys really have no butts! Their backs just keep on going until they reach the legs, their pants are so skinny it is not as if I would be missing they're butts if they did actually have them. I look around slowly at the other kids and realize, wow the girls all have butts, except maybe that one there, but then that other one is her sister and she has a butt how is that possible? My brain is at this point off on a butt tangent, and I begin to think about if this is cause by sitting their entire lives, as is the way of most Americans these days, but then why are couch potato's always portrayed as big and fat... that doesn't measure up, I mean these kids must be skin and bones under those skinny jeans, I mean what do they think when they take off their pants, do they think they have butts? Do they look like prison camp victims? Wait why am I thinking about them taking off their pants, and prison camp victims...? Oh yeah Worship Janna, focus! hmm maybe this is a new generation we are breeding of buttless men.
Well that didn't work I failed to focus.